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 In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)

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Blaise Ellwyn

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PostSubject: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:29 pm

Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:52 am

So much is going on. So much has been happening lately, so many new things, so much in my head. Gah. It's starting to get a little overwhelming. SO I decided I needed to start a new journal, since my old one is still back home and it looks like I'll be staying here permanently in Ravenhurst. Or at least permanently for now.

Let's see. Lexie graduated from college finally and as a graduation gift I brought here out here to the Pacific Northwest to do some hiking and communing with nature. Now I'm starting to think that it was Fate what brought us here, but I digress. Skipping ahead. So we get out here and we haven't even been in this town for an entire day and my bank card and credit card go missing. Lexie's too. I mean really, what the hell? I went to go report it to the local sheriff but it was about that time that I started feeling it. Something was calling to me. I got completely distracted from reporting the potential theft. We started checking out the town (while I was telling Lexie I was backtracking to see if I'd dropped the cards or something.) No luck on the financial front, but I found this.. energy. This aura. This.. this... SOMETHING. It was all around the town, calling me, beckoning me, pleading me to find it, accept it, breathe it in, drink it down. I didn't want to leave.

Sigh. So I wound up going to the bar where the sheriff was supposed to be. Turns out he actually owns the bar. Weird, that, but ok. He wasn't there, but this guy, Nicky, was. Turns out Nicky is a witch as well, and all kinds of awesome. Something about him just makes me want to hug him or pinch his cheeks. Like a brother. I don't know if it's him being younger and a witch or what. Just feels right to smile at him and talk to him. Getting off track again. Goddess so much has happened in the last week that we've been here. Ok. Right. Back on track. Met Nicky. Turns out that the sheriff, Jericho, is a fae. Go figure, right? I KNOW there are shifters in town. I get this sense of them, this quivering heat, like an animal waiting just beneath the skin, looking for a chance to rip through to the surface. They scare me, in the worst way. Even more so than vampires. And yeah, I'm pretty sure there's leeches in town also. So we've got the four main food groups. Vampires, Weres, Faes, and Witches. Lots of humans running around too.

I broke down and begged Jericho for a job bartending, to make some money to get back home. Couldn't get the Aunts to pick up the phone, and there was some issue with the bank not being able to send a replacement debit card or a wire transfer due to complications with the system? Again, what the fuck? But Jericho agreed to give me a job, so I'm grateful for that. But of course, I get back to the motel with the last shreds of my dignity and twenty bucks cash left to my name, and lo and behold, there are the debit and credit cards. In my jacket pocket. Ok, Goddess. I get the picture. I'm supposed to be here, in this place, right now.

So I gave up, gave in. There was an empty store by the harbor and in a moment of compulsive whimsy, I spent the last of my life's savings and bought it. Oh, sure, I put down a security deposit on a rental house too. But I did it all without telling Lexie ahead of time. Boy was she pissed. But she's warming up to the idea some finally. Going to open up an herbal/mystical/magical supply store. Hopefully it'll go well, but that remains to be seen yet. Getting everything settled is a bitch, but it's so worth it. I feel better about things now. Some of the pressure has eased. I'm where I'm supposed to be.

There was a dance last night. Post Valentine's crap. What the hell, I mean, really? Please no dances after the fact, the holiday itself is bad enough for me. Alone, always alone, except for Lexie and the crazy aunts. No man, shit, I can't even get a one night stand anymore that's how alone I am these days. I hate being the responsible one, sometimes. Off topic again. Bah humbug. Ok, so at the dance, I had this plan. Lots of people, most of the town was supposed to be there, right? So I did a summoning/calling spell. I called to the other witches in the area, put as much energy into the spell as I could, pushed it as far as I could. Sent along the images of the shop with the spell, so witches could find me there, find each other. I hope it works! Things are getting better and better.

Of course, this was right before the explosions went off and the whole dance was crowded with smoke and fire, screaming, panicking people. I knew the dance was a bad idea. Maybe someone else hates Valentine's as much as I do? But I doubt it. Starting to think seriously that it was all misdirection. Maybe it's just my overactive imagination, but the stuff that was found, the items, the graffiti messages on the walls? Seems like more than just a prank for the sake of pranking. Something odd is definitely going on in this place.

And still, every day, more and more, worse and worse, this something, this FORCE, is calling me, begging me, practically SCREAMING at me to come and find it. I think I'm going to go look tonight and see if I can find something out. Please, please Goddess, let me find something.
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Blaise Ellwyn

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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:30 pm

Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:08 pm

I found something! An etching in town square. As soon as I saw it, these words filled my head. I wanted even more to keep looking. Got to find this, get it done, get this insanity in my head that keeps bubbling up and over to go away. I know what I have to do now. Thing is, can I drag my resistant little sister along for the ride?

I know I can. She might hate me for it though when it's all said and done. It isn't my fault she had to spend four years without me with the pagan hating Christian nitwit uncle and his stupid ass wife. Not my fault she hates what we are and what we can do. WhatI can do, because she never does anything. Risked her "morals" once to heal me when I was badly injured, but nothing since then. She needs this. Hell, I need this. Going to follow the clues and get this done.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:31 pm

Fri Feb 18, 2011 1:13 pm

Oh, Goddess. I'm SO fucking tired. Spent all day running around looking like a mad woman. I found a lot of the etchings in town, out of town. Following clues here and there. The water is so damn COLD here. It's not like back home. There's no pretense of warmth. It's just frigid, ice cold water.

Then last night, I took Lexie out with me. I made her start from the beginning, because I want her in on this too. She was pissed beyond belief that I dragged her into "some magic crap" again. She needs it though. I'll stick by that belief until the end. Maybe the Source will help her come to terms with her issues about what we are.

Oh yes. The Source. That's what Caleb called it, another witch I ran into last night in front of the store. I found Nicky talking to some woman out front, who turns out to be Tabbie, his mentor. She's the one I felt the night of the dance, I think. Definitely the one that's been leaving lipstick messages on the window. It's good to put a face and a voice and a name to the energy. So then Caleb showed up and I was ecstatically happy about being surrounded by witches. It's an amazing feeling after all these years to be surrounded by people who accept their gifts.

Geesh, can you tell how jumbled my thoughts are, journal? I'm all over the place. But I can't help it. I feel like I'm being driven mad by the need to connect to the Source and if it doesn't happen soon I think I'll lose my mind for sure. I'm almost positive about it. But it's ok. I can manage. I have to. I have a store to run, a sister to take care of, bills to pay, belongings to be shipped over from back home. There's too much going on NOT to keep it together. So I will. Simple as that. Sigh. Or at least I wish it were.

This town is just odd. I don't know if it's the Source of the strange gathering and concentration of other races. I don't know. Maybe it's the history of the place. I think, sometime when I can find a bit of down time, I need to do some research on the library and really find out about this town.

That sounds like a plan. Ok, gotta get moving. Things to take care of and shit.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:31 pm

Sun Feb 20, 2011 8:30 pm

Lexie is sick. She's also avoiding me, staying holed up in bed upstairs. This is what I get for trying to involve her in "the magic crap" I guess. Little sisters can be such a pain.

On the bright side, I'm making progress with the shop, and with the other witches in town. Going to call everyone and try to get a meeting set up for Monday or sometime next week. We so need to start having weekly meetings. At least at first, until we're all familiar with each other and have a good plan of action. There are too many big bads in town for us not to be united, I think.

I'm still learning my way around the town and woods. All the searching for the source has definitely helped with that. I only get lost once a day now! Yippee. Sigh. All the rain and snow and varying temperatures lately though have left the ground a wet, awkward mess. I was going out to the Source today, or at least where I'm almost positive it is, and slipped down the mountain. Slipped, fell, tumbled, and scraped my way down, I should say. Now my body hurts and refuses to move without great protest. I think I'll be black and blue back there for a week. Drinking herbal teas to help promote healing but.. it's gonna take a few days at least.

Which reminds me. Interesting conversation last night in the middle of the street with Mercy and her friend Qing? Not sure how to spell it. I really, really need to get in touch with Mercy again, so we can talk and figure out what the hell it was all about. It seems like she's aware of the other supes here, and Qing might have been brain washed. What fun. Tried to call her this afternoon, but there was something obviously going on wherever she was. I'll have to try again later..

Shit, Lexie's coming down bitching and sneezing. Write more later.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:32 pm

Sat Feb 26, 2011 3:49 pm

Well, it's been a long week. Very, very long. BUT! But but but! We finally got out to the Source. Lexie and I both made it out there, and whoa, was that a trippy experience. I've never felt something quite like that. The power was amazing, awesome, awe INSPIRING, and when it rushed into me, through me, around me, over and over, again and again, it left me stupefied and breathless, panting, pained. Somehow though, through it all, there was this sense of relief. I'd finally connected, I could fill it swelling inside me, feeling me up, giving me strength and purpose.

Since then, it's been a slow road to recovery. I've been groggy pretty much all the time, but my preternatural senses seem to be on high alert. I can feel the magic in the air, sense it more about other people without trying to. Is this what it's going to be like from here on out? Being connected to the Source is proving to be quite interesting. Lexie, at least, seems to be going through the same thing, but she won't talk to me about it. I guess some things will just never change.

So it's time to focus on the shop now that I can focus on something else besides the driving pull to find the Source. Getting inventory shipments in, so at least that's easy. Had a few customers come in here and there, and soon I'll be placing a new ad about Mercy's tarot reading. Hopefully I can do SOMETHING to draw in more business.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:32 pm

Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:57 pm

Tired, sick, tired, sick. This has been my life the last week. Finally dragged this thing out to write. I guess it's about time.

I saw the Sheriff's glamour flicker. It was not pretty. Scared to death he'll try to rape the glamour out of me or something. Here's hoping he doesn't. I'm not up to being someone's snack food.

Also, since I got sick, a fox has shown up. It's.. a fox shifter, his name is Caine. He's very soft and fluffy, cute, and more than a little mischievous. I don't think he was raised human, he doesn't speak English or hell, any other human language that I know of, but he can write it. I'm looking at doing a spell that will let me connect to him in order to talk. Hoping that I can teach him to speak English quicker that way. He wants me to teach him about wards, but I don't think I can do that if I have to write it all out. Writing is so much harder and time consuming than showing and explaining aloud.

I feel like the world around me is all aflutter since connecting to the Source. Things seem more real, more urgent, more in the HERE and NOW than they did before. I can feel things so much more clearly, like the world is more vibrant. Even with this gawd awful cold dulling my senses, the energy of the place is still right there, in my face. I really, really need to be able to sit down with the others who've gone through this, to see if they had the same thing happen.

Ok, will write more later. Fuzzy head here is going to take a nap.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:33 pm

Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:15 pm

I've so gotta stop waiting days and days between writing in you, journal. It's making it harder to keep track of events as they happen. Since last time I wrote, I have:

Spell-worked myself into a sort of mind link with the fox. I was utterly amazed the spell worked as well as it did. There doesn't seem to be any side effects so far. It's hard to make sense of a lot of what Caine thinks, though. It's so feral, so animal. I don't think humans were meant to ever think that way, or if we were, it's been so far bred out of the race as a whole that we're all bumbling idiots when it comes to the instinct of wild. For now though, until the spell fades, or I wind up having to break it, I can hear the fox's thoughts with some effort. Whether I can always interpret them or not is a completely different matter. He seems to have a better time of making sense of my thoughts, but there's still this gap in awareness between us. He does make for a good familiar, though, and so that's what I'm trying to explain him off as. My familiar.

We held our first circle event here in Ravenhurst. There were nine of us, plus a fox, up there in the swirl of clouds and mist and magic. Tabbie asked me to lead the ritual and I was in utter glee at the prospect. It's been too long, much too long, since I was able to participate in group ritual, let alone actually lead one. I called the circle with Tabbie and Caleb to back me up on their respect elements. It was great, and although I was a little confused when Tabbie started the bonding ritual during the circle calling, it seemed to work. I don't think everyone accepted it though. The bonding of witch to witch, the forming of a true circle, of a family. We made it through almost the entire ritual before the girl I believe was Caleb's sister got up and ran out. That wasn't a pretty thing, the circle being shattered, and I struggled along with Caleb and Tabbie's help to patch the hole enough to release the elements properly. We finally got that taken care of, and people started to disperse. Lexie looked confused, the way she always does when some big magic thing happens around her, like she didn't know whether to be pissed or happy or afraid. I don't know what to do for her but that's another matter altogether. Nicky was out of sorts, and I told him I'd call him the next day if he had gotten his phone back, since he said he'd been without it. Which brings me to the next point.

(TBC had to stop typing.)
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:33 pm

Thu Mar 24, 2011 6:07 pm

Fuck me sideways, I can't keep up with everything going on. Let's see.. brief sum up before I pour my guts out and bawl like a baby.

Nicky was kidnapped by vampires. Fable is dead. Now? Nicky's working with them and wants to drag the coven into it. Can you say BAD FUCKING IDEA?

Worked on Caine's den, got it warded. He's built one of those small Japanese gazebo type places. It's peaceful. It's energizing. I want to move in permanently.

Something is going on, something bad. Buildings are being burned, helicopters are exploding.

The old man, Skip, whose daughter and her friends are missing, last seen here in Ravenhurst? He's a witch. He found the first part of the calling, had no idea what was going on. Can the Source really call out lost witches? It makes me wonder.

Caine has stolen a puppy from the vampire safe haven and HE was the one that set fire to the lighthouse. They had attacked him so he took revenge on a building. I'm worried he's going to get himself in too much trouble and there's nothing I can do to protect him.

Last but not least.... I had a second element call to me. Now, it's not just Fire running through my veins, but Water too. It threw me off balance, made me so angry and pissed off and out of whack. It's like war is being waged in my head and everything comes out hot steam. I'm having a problem getting a grip on it all. Caine did acupuncture on me last night. Acupuncture! By a a fox! He used paper magic and I'm not sure what spirits he called to with it, but when he was finished I felt all the stress and negativity and anguish just pour out of me in one great big rush. He fed me fresh sushi, and I passed the fuck out. Woke up to a gorgeous new dress, a little Cheongsam, and more sushi. And then Lexie came down, and we spent hours upon hours in the little pool of water where the waterfalls just pour into it. I feel so refreshed, so at peace and at ease. I can only hope it lasts. How do you balance Fire and Water without the other elements? I don't want to fill up with steam again.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:33 pm

Wed Apr 13, 2011 3:19 am

And here I am again, reverting to my handy dandy notebook. I can't seem to keep you updated, can I?

Too much has happened. Again. That seems to be the theme of things here. Nothing happens, then EVERYTHING happens, and I wind up having to hold on for the ride, pray to the goddess I survive. When it's all said and done I wind up kind of like this heaping mess of exhaustion and spiraling thoughts. Needless to say, yeah. Big fucking shit went down.

I got the elements under control. Water seems to be in command, and I'm happy with that. Water is calming, soothing, and it leaves me feeling fresh and clean and peaceful. I'm really, really happy with having water to wrap around me.

But you know, as soon as I got water under control, Tabbie went missing. Then the fog rolled in.

I'm not even going to bother trying to go over all those details. Suffice it to say, Tabbie is back, we witches pulled through and sent the fog packing, and now I'm just trying to ride out the last waves of exhaustion and confusion the whole ordeal brought on.

We've had this huge influx of witches coming into town recently. I can feel them when they arrive, it's like the source sparks and says "Here's another one to join the cause!" Now if I could just find a way to make that work to the Circle's benefit. I'll have to talk to Tabbie and maybe her gran and see if there's some way to harness that awareness of others so we can find the new comers and help them on the right path. If this last week is any indication of what's to come from living here in Ravenhurst, I want to get as many people as possible working together in the coven. Our own little army of magic wielders.

Also? Flanagan. Hot. Something about him makes me want to run, but underneath it all he's got this personality that kind of draws you in. He came into the shop tonight and was injured. I made him tea, Lexie fixed him a poultice to use and some lotion to help soothe the wound. Chit chat with him was actually nice. Looking at my notes of things I've learned about the history of the witches here, it seems like his mother was one of our mentors. She hasn't been seen since some time in the 1960's though. Marie Relsen. His cousin, Kyle, was the Sheriff here. The one that turned up dead. And then Flanagan took over as Sheriff before he wound up quitting I guess? Seems like that family has a long standing history of being Sheriff though here in Ravenhurst.

I don't know why I feel so drawn to him. Maybe he's like us? Except he feels... well, not like a witch. But like a warrior. That's the sense I got about him. A warrior, a defender, someone that's seen many battles, maybe a little tired from it all. And he's, yanno, Irish. Damnit. Yeah, he's the one that asked if I had any Irish in me, or if I wanted some.

I so need to get laid. Someone shoot me.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:34 pm

Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:17 am

I have officially become that cranky old bitter lady who makes everyone around her miserable. Or maybe I just need to get over myself and stop trying to micro-manage my friends and family's lives.

I've been so tired lately. Business is slow, then it gets crazily hectic, then it's slow again. Things with the coven are going well, although we seem to have this huge influx of new witches that have come to town since right before the fog. I can hardly keep up with it all, and I feel like I need to start scheduling meetings, classes, and even time off.

Maybe that's what I need. Time off. Take a vacation and go back home to see the Aunts. I miss them terribly. But I can't just up and leave everything here. I have a store to run, a sister to take care of, a coven to work with.

Or, you know, maybe that's my problem. I've assumed too much responsibility for everything all by myself again and I need to just let go and let others help me. I always seem to have this problem. Maybe it's being a Leo. Gotta be the boss, gotta be on top, gotta do things my way. They have sex changes. Do they have personality changes, too? I think I need one. Badly.

I just hired Nicky at the store last night. Hoping that he'll be able to help us out there. He definitely knows his stuff and has a knack for pulling people in. Looking into hiring someone else that just moved to Ravenhurst recently. Amanda. I haven't really spoken with her personally yet though, so need to do that before I agree to hire her.

I think maybe a vacation is in order. Get things settled with the store. Help the new witches find mentors. Make arrangements for whoever I get to study with someone else for a week. Then go home and visit the aunts, relax, let it all just fade away until I can think clearly again and come back with a refreshed perspective on life.

What do you think, journal? Is it too much to hope for?
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:35 pm

Mon May 02, 2011 8:09 am

It has come to my attention that I know entirely too much, and I also do NOT know when to keep my fucking mouth shut. This is not a good combination. I forsee a LOT of fucking shit happening due to this revelation. Must.Learn.To.Shut.The.Fuck.Up.

See, I was hoping to have a nice quiet Beltane night. Do a little dancing, head up to the circle and finish going through the yearly ritual of the bonfire and the feast. At least here there's no one to say the joining of the God and Goddess HAS to happen. That'd be awkward, since I seem to have wound up as the one leading the coven. Right. So. Ahem. Moving right along.

Plans did not at all work out like I hoped they would. Tai showed up in the square, followed by Angelika. It was odd to see either of them since Tai was supposed to have left Ravenhurst and Angelika never does public venues. So of course they waltz right on over to my picnic table where I've got food and drinks laid out. Tai looks like shit. Like someone beat the crap out of her and dumped her off on the sidewalk to show up here. Angelika just looks.. bored and grumpy. I tried being friendly and what not but then Tai took a drink of my iced tea and.. apparently some fucking asshole decided to spike the tea with lemon because the fae starts choking and sputtering and spitting. She tossed the glass at the wall. It shattered. I got covered in broken glass and tea. Next thing I know Angelika's ripping my skirt off of me in one fell swoop and I was left in my god damn panties to trail after the two all the way back to the boat house.

The night went progressively down hill from there. I let on that I knew entirely too much. Turns out Tai has no memory and she has iron poisoning from iron powder rubbed in her wounds. Somehow or another we wound up with Angelika cutting off some of the poisoned flesh with Wolverine style bone claws. What the fuck? That's all I got to say. Apparently Tai did some higher than human hearing scream and that put an end to the carving. Thank goddess. We got her covered and up to the glade to soak up glamour and heal some. 

Somewhere along in all that mess I was being told that I'm skittish and when I act like that it's like someone putting a tongue on a woman's private parts? It's intoxicating to the vampires apparently. That left both Angelika and I confused, though I assume for different reasons.

I know a lot about fae and vampires, more about shifters from working with them back home. I used to think that knowledge would help keep me and my loved ones safe. Now I wonder if it's going to make me a target with the other supes. Go figure, right? Even with what knowledge I do have, I don't know what to do for a fae with iron poisoning. Hopefully between me and Lexie we can figure something out. Spent a long time in the glade letting the fae charge up. Lexie came up for me and did some herbal magic and poultices.

I still need that vacation. Aunt Kit said to get my ass home first chance I get so that's what I plan on doing. Leave this coming weekend maybe. Yeah. Need to set that up.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:36 pm

Thu May 12, 2011 6:56 pm

Home. I have sorely missed home. It's so good to be back here with the Aunts. I needed this break from Ravenhurst, and yet I find myself sitting here missing the damn place. Is it because my sister's there, or is it because I fell in love with the town, chaotic hell that it is and all? I don't know. Not sure I want to dwell on it too much right now.

Midnight margaritas, brownies for breakfast, the most perfect blend of tea and herbs imaginable to make stress just melt away. And the advice of my most trusted teachers, my surrogate mothers. They make everything somehow seem trivial and manageable. They help me make sense of that place.

I missed home.
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PostSubject: Re: In a Blaise of Glory (So not. Who am I kidding?)   Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:17 am

It's funny. I thought I took all my things with me, until I found this crammed in a corner of the closet. So much has happened. It always does between the times I write in this thing. I can sum it all up in one simple sentence, though. Two words.

I'm pregnant.

I'm about six and a half months pregnant, give or take. Who is the father? Well, there's no point in putting that down in words. He'll never know, my child will never know, and no one else ever needs to be the wiser. Aunt Kit always said "Don't go falling in love. It will only end badly for him, and then you'll have to live with a broken heart and wear mourning clothes. You look good in black, but mourning is hell, sweetpea." Yeah. She's so.. profound, isn't she?

So here I am, pregnant and not in any sort of a relationship. My magic is all a mess. I can barely do more than call forth energy and channel it without something going horribly awry. To top it all off, Lexie is apparently empathic now. She's been dealing with my hormones on a personal level. I've heard of sympathetic pregnancies, but this goes above and beyond. My little sister has turned into a pothead just to numb the recoil from emotions around her. Needless to say, my return to Ravenhurst has been.. interesting.

I came back to help her deal with it all, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should have stayed away. I don't like putting myself in danger like this while I'm pregnant. No matter how many wards I put on myself, my belly, the baby, the area around me, I never feel safe enough. Like all it would take is a strong breeze to blow through and everything will come crashing down, and some monster will rampage into the room and end a life before it even begins.

My sister needs me though. Which is why I'm here, visiting Ravenhurst every day, or every few days, living in Seattle again. Or maybe it's more that I need her. I don't feel right being away from her, leaving her in this place after making her stay out here. I don't feel right being away from the others. Tabbie, Caleb who is.. well, I don't know where. But our circle. Even the old man, who I can't seem to see without tossing insults his way, and vice versa. Skip is a part of our bond as well now. Then there's Nicky, who I cannot for the life of me think of as anything but a little brother, perpetually in danger of making a mess of everything. My family away from my family, my magical ties, support, power allies. I missed them all, and being away from them made me feel not at all like myself.

It was easier being back home, not having to deal with all the chaos that ensues from living in Ravenhurst, but I wasn't happy. I don't know what to do about it all, except stay here and try to make the best of things. I'm not sure if raising a baby in Ravenhurst is such a good idea, but I have the apartment in Seattle so I suppose I can find a way to make it work. Hire a nanny or something to look after the baby during the day, and come home at night or when it's not some new emergency going on to spend quality time and raise the darling. That's the only plan I've got so far. I used to be so good at making plans and managing things and now it seems like I'm grasping at straws just trying to figure things out day by day.

I miss Caine. He was the one person I found in Ravenhurst that grounded me and balanced things out. Even if he is a fox more than a person. He always made me feel calm and safe and secure. Lexie told me she saw him a couple weeks back, with some strange female fox or something. They came in and tore around the place, and slept in the bedroom like house pets. I wish I'd been here to see him. At least I know he's back in the area and maybe I can find him again soon. I might not be able to eat his sushi right now, but I could sure use a warm fluffy lap warmer to cuddle and talk to.

There's so much I should probably write down, to help me remember later, but my brain is so frazzled from the pregnancy that I'm not sure I could even manage to. I'll try to add things here as I think of them. That is.. if I don't lose this book again in the meantime.
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